Sometime between my jury duty break and reading my third Fast Company magazine, something inside of me clicked. For the most part I never publish my internal mental revelations for fear of being ridiculed. However, today I cannot help but wonder if my words might inspire other women or busy moms to put some life anxiety aside.
I'm over trying to be awesome, I'm over trying to compete with my architect peers and the fact I'm not licensed yet. I'm over trying to start my own company in the dungeon that is my bedroom. I'm over trying to craft things that people might buy and genuinely love using. I'm over the fact I haven't been able to complete my idea of helping single mothers and aid with their childcare. I'm over being the perfect mom. I'm over obsessing about my cellulite, my fat rolls my lack of exercise and bad food habits. I'm over the fact I still don't own a piece of property where I can knock some walls down and paint a room. I'm over the fact I still make huge grammatical errors and spelling errors on a daily basis and that this post might contain a few, or million. I'm over the fact I still interject the word "like" and say "umm" when I talk; projecting a lack of language and vocabulary skills. I'm over the fact my family is a disaster and I cannot fix everyone's problems. I'm over the fact my toddler hates milk and I'm constantly reinventing the way she takes her daily needed 700 mg of calcium. I'm over the Trump issue. I'm over trying to wrap my head around girls imitating the Kardashians and how actual talented and respected human beings don't receive credit for their life work or notoriety. I'm over it all.
Why? How? What happened?
I'm so exhausted of feeling like a failure when I'm not. I have accomplished so much in life yet somehow I'm always looking at the world and saying I'm not doing enough in this life or contributing anything positive to society. There's that mom, she's successful, busier than me; still finds time to workout with her green smoothie (made from the crops she grew in her home garden) and just finished a school for girls in Uganda. I can't even find time to be jealous; I jump straight to the feeling of failure. I suck!!! I cannot continue like this. I cannot keep putting so much pressure on myself and comparing myself to the new era of Stepfords wife. If I do, I'm going to wake up one day and truly wish I'd lived life in a more zen matter. My friends head trauma accident has also aided in this revelation.
Now. I'm not saying I'm going to stop pursing a few of the topics previously mentioned. In reality I'm not stopping any of them. I just know I have to start giving myself some slack and breathing room. I must start living life in a more organic matter; Letting things grow naturally without interjecting such high expectations. I know what you might be thinking, this San Francisco drama queen is having a meltdown.
Not at all. I just want to learn to breath again, I want to do things with passion and love. Relax the timelines. Putting so much pressure on me, makes me hate exactly the things I enjoy the most. I want to love Architecture again, I want to enjoy cooking and crafting. I want to post a picture on social media without the fear that it's not kinfolk or food stylist worthy (that's a career you know). I want to let go of the fear of oversharing my life journey, for our stories are what inspire us. I want to be fearless and committed to be present. I want to release the anguish that it is okay to be a jack of all trades and a master of none. That my name was never published on a list of top 30 under 30. Or that I don't have a K after the number of followers on my Instagram account. I'm okay with my blog only being read by me and that it's made maybe 3 dollars on adverbs. I'm even warming up to the idea that it's okay I'm not as good as an amateur photographer with an SLR's -- even though I double majored in Photography in college. You see. I'm over it. Okay I admit, I'm not completely over that last bit, but I'm working on being over it.
I guess, my point is as I sit here and try to convince myself, I want you to know that it's okay to be an average Jane and a dreamer. Someone out there loves you unconditionally and thinks you are the coolest person in the world. To them you are a rockstar and your work is the best. To them you're the most beautiful, smartest and creative being they know. You might even be the person someone is putting in their “over it” jar as we speak.
So as of today, I'm over all the non-sense. Granted we are only human and I'm sure something else will creep into my life that I'm not over. Like maybe how Jessica Alba went from being an actress on the fantastic four to being co-founder of the Honest Company ( an ethical consumerism company that started of by non-toxic cute diapers to turning into a 1.7 Billion dollar valued company). Yeah, hmmm, 1....2.....3... gently putting it in my "I'm over it jar".
Signing off for now. I can hear a dozen marbles falling on the floor -- my daughter is taking out all the pebbles that were once in a ceramic vase. Best I attend to that before she decides flushing them down the toilet is the next best thing.